THE LIFELONG RANT
Emotions have been building up, and well, I feel that I HAVE to get all of it off my chest.
I've been down for quite some time now (though I'm not sure if I can call it depression; maybe just a mild one?) There were several points where I have broken down, but then I would pick up again, like as if nothing happened. Anyway, I did come to another low point about a month or two ago. It affected me so much, that I just stopped going to school. I hadn't done any schoolwork at all, and I'd be absent from several days to weeks. And well, because of my previous failures, I got dropped. I know it's my own fault that it happened, but I dunno... I just needed a break. I've been at this school for 3 STRAIGHT years (with 1 to 2 week breaks in between terms), it kind of gets to you after awhile. The school used to allow term breaks with little reasons, but they recently changed the policy, and you can only take a term break if it's really really REALLY important/crucial. Anyway, I do plan on going back to school sometime after May...I just hope they can accept me back again.
The causes of me being down...well, it's quite a lot really. Where to start? Time and Age
Time sure has been flying by...way too quickly. I would stop and think, "Damn, I'm how old now?!" I mean, I'm now freakin' 27 years old (nine more months until 28). You'd think by now I would be done with school and have a great career, yet I'm still working at a part-time job (that doesn't pay enough) and still struggling with school. Heck, I've been drawing for quite a long time since late grade school/beginning of high school, and yet I still feel like I've only improved little by little. Where did the time go? What have I been doing for the past decade? Sure, there have been points during this decade where I had a great time, but I still feel as though I hadn't really done anything worthwhile, and I'm not getting any younger. Reality and Marriage
Real life sucks...and it's getting more and more difficult dealing with it. And as for marriage? It isn't what it's all up to be. I think a part of it is due to the fact that I married at a young age (at 22). I didn't have much of a chance to fully enjoy my single life. I mean, at first it was okay; I get to be with the person I love and away from my parents. Don't get me wrong, I do love my side of the family wholeheartedly, but at that time, they were getting on my nerves.
And now? My husband is getting on my nerves, making me wish I was back home with my parents. He's been getting more and more of a jerkwad with a really huge stick up his butt. I mean, I admit that I'm lazy, but dammit, I'm not a freakin' housewife. He's been treating me like what my mom would do years ago...threatening to take away stuff that I enjoy doing (like cutting off my access to the internet) so I can finish doing chores. I know my responsibilities; just...I'll get to it eventually. And he's always wanting to do stuff together...ALL THE TIME. I mean, I see my parents not doing stuff together most of the time, and they're still living a happy marriage of 31 years. Seriously, he's been way too clingy and been trying to force me to do stuff I don't want to do. It's really pissing me off 'cuz I want my space and to be left the hell alone.
Also, he's been treating me like crap, to the point where he'd embarrass/tattletale me in front of friends or to his mother. Honestly, if you have beef with me, do it privately; don't do it publicly where it's not anyone's business to. I mean, he doesn't physically hurt me (though he would poke me back if I poked at him first), but a lot of his words does get to me. Not verbal abuse really; just talks about life and stuff that I don't really want to listen to. And his talks with his parents aren't helping either...and all their talks are ALL about money & business. Money this, money that...ugh, it's really irritating! I think I can see why his parents are divorced; their lives are revolved around money, and both his parents each have different views of it. I mean, I know money is important, but I don't think it's EVERYTHING.
My in-laws are getting on my nerves too. His dad is too much of a worrywart, too careful (ESPECIALLY his driving...OMG, he drives so slow in the expressways!) and he doesn't like to keep up with technology...AND he so obviously talks to himself (which makes me worried he's a little nutty in the head). And his mom doesn't act like a real mom when she talks to you...more like a business person or some counselor (in which apparently she is some sort of certified counselor or so she says). I mean, she doesn't bother me much really...at least not directly. She'll take my side a lot more times than my husband, but sometimes if she wants me to do something, she'll tell it to my husband first, then he'll tell me.
But yeah, the more real life comes at me, the more I regress into my mind. I start daydreaming/imagining myself in situations in another world/reality, like being some warrior/ninja or a being with special powers. I'd land myself in the worlds of my favorite anime (like Naruto, for example). Gawd, I wish wholeheartedly that real life was like the anime/movies/game I enjoy watching & playing, but unfortunately, it's not. Real life is so boring, doing the same shit almost everyday. Where's the action? Where's the adventure?
Gawd, I REALLY need a vacation. And kiddos, word of advice: Don't get married so soon. Enjoy your single life to the fullest before planning on settling down. Make the RIGHT decisions with no regrets. If you see a GREAT & RIGHT opportunity, take it. Believe me, I missed out on so many opportunities (like what could have been better relationships, for example) due to my mistakes, and now I regret them 'cuz, unfortunately, I can't go back and redo them. Being Out of Place & Alone
I have a LOT of friends. I'm a friendly person, who enjoys being surrounded with people to talk to. But even with a huge group of friends, I still feel quite out of place. I don't know why, since most of my friends like similar things that I like, but at times, it's hard to get into their conversations or join in on the activities 'cuz I feel so out of the loop. And that's when I start feeling a bit lonely. There's only so few people that I can fully talk to without much criticism thrown back at me. I'm not isolating myself from them; I just can't help but FEEL isolated, if that makes any sense.
I feel even more lonely because due to everything that's been going on, I'm so out of the loop with my side of the family. I missed out on so many family events due to school, work, and yes, marriage, too. It worries & saddens me 'cuz it feels like further down in the future, I'll lose all contact with the ones I love and care about. And I don't want that. I've already lost contact with my high school friends; I don't want to lose any more.
I apologize you had to read all that, but like I said, I just had to get it off my chest. Whether you understand or not, whether you think I'm crazy/stupid/wrong for thinking like that or not, keep in mind that this is how I
feel and how I
see my situations in my POV right now.
Anyway...I feel better now that's all out. ^_^
1 1/2 month to go until ACEN
! I'm just getting more and more excited as the days count down. I feel optimistic that this year will be a better year for me at Artist Alley. I'm really liking the theme that the con is going for, "dark" & "unlucky" (which is pretty much what I've been feeling emotionally lately). I'm also excited for the guests that they have for this year so far. Aural Vampire
Now I hadn't heard of this duo before, but after hearing samples of their music, I so want to see them in concert! Check them out HERE
and see their videos HERE
. Soul Eater
4 Japanese voice actors/actresses from this anime will be at con! Now before they had officially announced this, they posted in the forums that they were excited to have these Japanese guests and had us guessing as to who they were. I guessed that since they're going for a theme, they would get people from Soul Eater
. And, OMG, I was RIGHT! XD
Anyway, the voice actors/actresses are: Yumiko Kobayashi (Black Star), Kouki Uchiyama (Soul Eater), Kaori Nazuka (Tsubaki) & Narumi Takahira (Patty). I was so hoping for Mamoru Miyano (Death the Kid, Zero Kiryuu from Vampire Knight
, Light from Deathnote
, etc.), but I guess he's busy. *cries* After all, besides his voice acting and music, doesn't he also have a wife and kid? Stephanie Sheh
I loved her as Kirie Kojima in Girl's Bravo
. She also does Mikuru from Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
, Orihime from Bleach
, Hinata Hyuuga from Naruto
, Natalia Lanvaldear from Tales of the Abyss
, Kyrie from Devil May Cry
So yeah, can't wait!!